On Foreign Soil

Last updated:

Thursday 02 November, 2023

On Foreign Soil: Crossleyan ambassadors abroad

Gypsy in Oz: 21/03/05

Word up

Just a quick one to let you all know whats crappening. So we left Stott in New Zealand and headed to Bangkok. It was haighs first time so i took on the role of tour guide. Admitedly it was a short tour concentrating mainly on Gullivers and the Irish bar on Koh san Road. Haigh was suitably impressed though as i was under strict instructions not to take him to see as he put it “any cultural rubbish like temples”. The tour lasted four beer fuelled nights with Haigh enjoying himself aquainting himself with the friendly local Thai women and me enjoying myself reaquainting myself with my old friend chang, oh how i’ve missed its cheap price and unregulated alcohol content. After four nights though we’d both had had enough. Haigh can now bearly function he keeps shaking like Muhammed Ali and claims hes got a brain tumor growing behiind his eyes, one too many changs methinks. I am now just sick of Bangkok full stop. Its fine in small doses but i have now spent 14 nights there at varying stages of the trip and its starting to do my swede in.

Next stop was Pattaya, a resort famed for its rife prostitution and sex shows. Don’t really think its my cup of tea cos there are old westerners everywhere with thais young enough to be their Grandaghters and its starting to make me feel ill. Haigh is keen to take in his first sex show though and could do with a few days chilling out on the beach as a form of rehab. Plus i could really do with working on my tan i am starting to look like Chris Seymour (sorry for those of you don’t know him hes a mate from home with bright ginger hair and the skin tone of an albino). Our choice of Pattaya guest house has also proved to be a poor one. We just jumped in the first one we saw cos haigh needed to go to bed as he claimed he was on the verge of death after last night. So after checking in i consulted the lonely planet to see what the crack was. It soon appeared theat we had booked into a hostel slap back in the middle of an area notorious for gay rent boys! The area is called ‘boy town’ and its famed for its nigerian workers. Haigh is looking forward to getting meeting one or two but i’m not so sure.

Right i better get back to the hostel before it gets dark, ensuring i won’t get acosted by a big black fella offering to love me long time. Wish me luck

Godspeed Bolly

Gypsy in Oz: 16/03/05
Word up

Well the end of our Kiwi leg is nearing an end after doing a whistle stop tour for three weeks. The definate highlight was the bungy jump. I have never been as scared in my life as i stood 134 metres up with my sphincter nipping at my undies. It was absolutely awesome though and well worth it. To be honest though New Zealand has been a bit of a let down. Its quite expensive and theres not much to do apart from stuff that costs a fortune. The scenary is good but me and Haigh didn’t appreciate it as much as Stott who has continued to say stuff like “this scenary gets me going” and “geology really floats my boat” i really do worry about that lad. The definate low light for me though happened last night when an awful camp gay guy called Prince (or Prince the mince as we called him) wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept saying how gorgeous my hair colour was and what dye colour did i use, while stott and haigh looked on wetting themselves. I had to inform him that it was au natural and make my excuses and got the hell out of there.

We have had to race through New Zealand in record time cos my financial situation is so dire. With my credit card nearing its limit and getting told off more and more frequently by my dad for spending my cash like an idiot i had some tough choices to make. I could either go on to fiji and the US as planned with minimul funds, live like a peasant and getting home in about two weeks, or change my flight home via Bangkok visit the greatest country in the world again and live like a veritable king for over a month. So with little hesitation me and Haigh booked ourselves a ticket to my spiritual home of Thailand. This also means that we will be saying goodbye to my old travelling companion Stott. He is off to fiji tomorrow followed by Oz again, Thailand again, India and Jordan. He is putting off any form of responsibilty and work for as long as possibe because as he puts it “i’m destined for a life of mediocraty”. Me and Haigh though will be home in the last couple of days of april where will be looking forward to facing a mountain of debt and no job to pay it off with.

Anyway better be going, i’ve got to see a man about a dog.

Oh i almost forgot to tell you i set the hostel fire alarm off by accident today. The whole hostel had to be evacuated. I’m not sure if the fire brigade was called cos i was out of there sharpish not hanging around incase they issued with me the mandatory 1000 dollar fine for setting it off.

Godspeed Bolly

Gypsy in Oz: 04/03/05
Morning campers

So we left the open prison with a tinge of sadness leaving our home for the last 7 months and seeing Wanger returning home penniless but also excited at the prospect of moving on to pastures new. As you know we are organised, seasoned travellers so we arrived in Christchurh at 2 in the morning with no where booked to stay. We were then surprised to find that hostels either weren’t answering there phones or if they did they the weren’t impressed at being woken in the wee small hours and immediately put the phone down on us. So we were left with the wonderful prospect of bedding down in the airport arrival lounge lying on our bags in true tramp fashion, until the hostel owners got out of their pits. Needless to say a very poor and sleepless night was had by all.

In a word Christchuch could be described as poor. Certainly not worth going half way round the globe to see. The highlight of our stay was biking down a monster mountain. Although on any uphill sections of the ride greater than 5 degrees the bikes were put in first gear we had to stand up to peddle with our lungs on the verge of collapsing. Our fitness is not what it used to be. The rest of our time there we used constructively and drank as much gin as possible. On one of our finest gin sessions Haigh staggered over to the bar and ordered his gin while swaying like he was on the deck of the Titanic. The barmaid then asked Haigh how much he’d asked to drink. Haigh pondered his respose then declared “S**t loads!!! why?”. Haigh was escorted from the bar soon after.

It was then off to Queenstown which is awesome. Its a small town in the middle of the mountains on a massive lake. The scenary is spectacular, Stott is absolutely loving it. He thinks he truly belongs in the mountains and can be found saying things like ‘this scenary is nourishment for the spirit’ and ‘i wouldn’t mind being a mountain ranger’.

Queenstown is also the self proclaimed adrenelin capital of the world as you can choose from jet boating, white water rafting, bungy jumps and other stuff to get the old ticker pumping. We being the idiots that we are have just booked on to doing the biggest bungy jump in Australasia, one of the biggest in the world. We’ve decided it will be an excellent idea to throw ourselves off a perfectly good cable car suspened 134 metres (thats 439ft Porky) above a canyon floor with just an oversized rubber band attached to our feet. People have been clocked doing 80 miles on the way down. To be honest i’m not overly keen on doing it. Infact i’m petrified but a little thing called peer pressure and the prospect of being called ‘soft’ has made me sign upto what i believe will be my certain death. With this in mind i’m setting up a will to make sure my friends are looked after. The problem is i only own a few things; the contents of my ruck sack, my overdraft bill, my credit card bill and best of all my student loan. So to make it fair these will be dished out on a first come first served basis so hurry to avoid dissapointment.

Right i’m off to drink myself into a stupor and contemplate my impending doom.



PS – BUUUUUUNNNNGGGGGGGYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gypsy in Oz: 25/02/05

So the time has finally come for us to bid farewell to the open prison and make our way to the land where the men are big and the sheep are plentifull – New Zealand. After 6 months of trying and generally failing to find work we have decided to let the banks fund the last leg of our trip, rather than doing anything radical than having to break into a sweat and earn the money here for ourselves – i will be doing enough of that when i get back till i’m 65!

We have already bid farewell to Wanger who got himself into dire financial straits and after one two many begging phone calls home to his parents the time came for him to leave. Not how ever before he managed to secure enough cash for a 5 days of debauchery in Bangkok on the way home. He has gone for the sights, the culture, the fine cuisine and last but not least the sex shows and the rife prostitution. He should be back in Halifax next Wednesday and is keen for Thursday night out so if he hasn’t got himself banged up in the Bangkok Hilton get in touch for a few beers if you’re in the area.

Right its off to the airport now. Just realised we land at two am and we have no where booked to stay tonight in christchurch – looks like it could be interesting

So till New Zealand



Gypsy in Oz: 04/02/05
G’day Punters,

Sorry i didn’t get chance to give you an xmas/new year update but i was either too drunk or hungover during this period to even think about using a computer. So after a brilliant xmas in Brisbane and an even better New Year in Sydney where i got chance to catch up with some of my best mates and my Mum and Dad who were all holidaying we set off to Shepparton, Victoria with the intention of doing some fruit picking to earn some desperately needed cash.

After a 10hr drive from Sydney in the van which is unbelievably still on the road we arrived in Shepparton only to discover the fruit wouldn’t be ripe for another week or so! Now Shepparton is backwards to say the least, looking like the set of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but we decided to stay for a few nights anyway sleeping in the orchard getting drunk on cheap wine while we plotted our next move. On one such night Wanger made friends with one of our fellow pickers. He was easily the scruffiest middle aged man in oz with a long matted beard and sporting the wardrobe of a tramp, we soon dubbed him Trampton. They were getting on famously until Wanger (the drunkest man on earth) accused Trampton of stealing his Armani sunglasses. We kept telling wanger that we didn’t think Armani sunglasses would fit in with tramptons image but Wanger (the notourious hard man) wouldn’t have it and decided to go and threaten Trampton with his life if he didn’t give him his glasses back. No glasses were forthcoming unsurprisingly really as we found them in the glove box in the morning. So it was decided that we had upset enough people and it was time to leave for Melboune until the fruit rippened.

We arrived in Melbourne and we were kindly offered free board and lodgings at Tarryns house for a few days. I stayed in Tarryns room while Wanger and haigh camped in her back garden. Stott slept in the van parked on the street like the vagrant that he is (god knows what her mum and dad thought). I also had the daunting task of meeting all Tarryns family and friends but everyone really liked me, i think? (was it ever in doubt?). To tide us over till fruit picking we took a job glass collecting in a pub which seemed like a respectable place. But we turned up for our first night to find out it was a thrash metal live music night. It seemed that ever single fat, greasy, stinking, leather clad weirdo had decided had turn up for our first night. I looked on in amazement as the fat lead singer screamed obcenities into the mike with sweat pouring off his 18 stone body while sporting a mowhawk that seemed to defy the laws of gravity. While the dance floor was filled by people jumping into each other, headbutting each other, throwing drinks on each other and throwing up on each other – needless to say a pleasant evening was had by all.

We also had time to do some sight seeing. We had chance to see the lighthouse from where round the twist was filmed (this will be lost on anyone over the age of 24), Bells Beach where Point Break was filmed and last but not least my spiritual home of Ramsay Street.

So after meeting the outlaws and probably outstaying our welcome at Tarryns it was time to head back to Shepparton and see the man from Del Monte. We started of our first day with dreams of making our fortune off the land, the reality was very different. We sweated like machines all day in baking hot sun picking peaches as though our lives depended on it. Only for the man from Del Monte to tell us that we had broken our backs for the equivilant of 2 quid 20 an hour. So the man from Del Monte got told where to shove his peaches and I was knocking on Tarryn’s door less than 48 hours after i left.

So till next time

Godspeed Bolly

PS Happy pancake day! I am doing the christian thing and giving something up for lent – work and possibly writing stupidly long emails

Gypsy in Oz: 04/01/05
Happy New Year Everyone!

Hope everyone has had a good Christmas and New Years back at home. It has been beauty over here. We spent Christmas day having a BBQ and messing around in the swimming pool at Mckellars house but we ran out of beer at about 7 on Christmas day so no one got really pissed. We met up with Banham and Lois, Porky and Brooky and Burt and Jow and otty and Steph and since then it has basically been non stop drinking! According to Porky he said he has had the best week of his life! This was coming from the man who rather than stay at Cashys palace of a house, spent a drunken week on a matress on the floor at the place where we were living! We then set off down to Sydney on the 27th stopping off in Byron Bay on the way down for a night out! In Byron bay we couldn’t all get in the same room in the Hostel so I ended up in a room by myself with 5 girls! perfect! It took us about 15 hours to drive down from Byron Bay and somehow are crappy van made it although we did have a scare on the way down when we thought the wheel was about to fall off! It wasn’t that bad though because I slept for about 12 hours in the back!

Arrived in Sydney on the 28th and had no idea where we were staying! Finally found it and it was a smart place but expensive! Since then we have been drinking non stop since then. As ever we were led by the ever eager Porky who has constantly survived on a diet of 2 peanuts and half a crisp and a lot of lager!

We got up at 5 o’clock one day to go deep sea fising with TC and Kate but very little was caught. The best fish was caught by myself but everyone else was left a bit disappointed especially Haighy and Brooky who along with the Girls managed to catch nothing!

Spent New Years eve at a place called Luna Park, a theme park underneath the harbour bridge. It was amazing! watched the fireworks and then got pissed and had a ball!! Don’t think I’ll ever have a night like that again. We left Luna Park at about 3am and went to find another pub. Stayed in there until the sun came up when we all went to sit on the opera house stairs and watch the sun come up. It was then time to find another bar and at 6am on New Years day this was proving difficult. After being rejected from numerous bars beacuse they were closing we were advised to head to Kings Cross one of the seediest districts in Sydney home to Prostitutes and Drug addicts and numerous strip clubs! You may think this sounds like heaven but believe me it is anything but. We eventually found a bar and after negotiating with the bouncer a 20 dollar fee each to get in we thought I thirst for Alcohol had been quenched. However after ordering our first beer it suddenly dawned on us that we had wandedred off the beaten track. When someone made the passing remark that the only girls in the club were Steph and Lois it dawned on us where we were and when we looked at the dance floor to see a 20 stone monster dancing wildly wearing a leather waistcoat we realised in the words of Dororthy from the wizard of Oz ‘ We’re a long way from home’ We quickly finished our beers and did a dexy’s midnight runner from what could have been the set of a village people video. 25 dollars for a beer about 12 quid probably the most expensive beer I’ve ever had!

Went to the Blue Mountains near Sydney yesterday to do the manadatory sight seeing and it was spectacular but a bit boring! Walked round all day in the boiling heat just to look at some tress and rocks!

Anyway as I now don’t actually have a penny and the 20 dollars in my wallet is the last 20 dollars I own i am now sleeping with Porky in his and brookys hotel room. Otty, Steph and Campos fly to New Zealand on Thursday and Brooky and Porky fly to Bankok on Friday. Watch out Bankok. Due to the very poor financial situation of me, Haighy and Bolly we are leaving Sydney on friday in the Trusty van to go to the middle of no where so we can do some fruit picking so we can save some moneyand actually go to New Zealand! The only problem is you have to pick your own body weight in Fruit and they only pay about a dollar….smart!

I have also lost another mobile phone so yet again I have a new number. It is +61 424475489.

Hope everyone else had a New Years eve that was anywhere near as good as ours and everyone is still alive!

Anyway take care everyone and if fruit picking isn’t my thing I’ll be home sooner than expected.


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 29/11/04

G’day Punters

Thought it was about time to write another mail been busy working but after concerns about my saftey i thought i’d let you know i’m still A okay and to stop rumours that i’d been abducted by aborigines and was living in a cave just south east of ayres rock. Although thats not the case i sometimes think that that life would be preferable to the one i now lead. I am now a veritable work horse at the christmas hamper factory working 7 days a week claiming all the cash i can before christmas. My daily routine consists of getting up, going to the gym (will be crowned Mr Queensland sometime soon) working till after midnight then off to bed – repeat 7 times and you get a rough idea of my week. I now know how Bill Murray felt in the 1993 classic Groundhog day. Work isn’t that bad its just the peasants that we have to work with that grinds us down. Our co-workers have limited intelligence, social skills and apparently zero knowledge of the availability of deoderant. We have had the dubious honour of having our contracts extended but with many of those who weren’t selected to stay on probably lacking the ability to write their own names i would have been shocked if we had been let go.

On the one occasion that we have been able to venture out it ended in disaster for Stott or to be more specific Stott’s underpants. A few weeks after hitting oz Stott found himself down to two pairs of smalls after a few pairs misteriously dissapeared. This left him with as he put it “a sleeping pair and one for best”. Many people have been accussed of stealing his underpants although its beyond me as to why anyone would have developed a fetish with Stott’s soiled grots. It appears though, Haigh was prime suspect. Things however on Saturday came to a head when Stott followed through when we were in a club. His ‘best pair’ of undies had to be disgarded in the gents and he had to thouroughly clean himself up before returning to the bar. When we returned home Stott managed to disgust us even further by showing us the inside of his jeans. He paraded them round the front room saying “god it must have been a runny one its stained the inside of my jeans as well!”. Since then he has been out to restock his smalls but i find his choice of white ones bemusing with recent events in mind.

If there is one place you don’t want to be when England get beaten in both codes of rugby its the smuggest nation on earth. We were all looking forward to doing the double over the aussies so haigh warmed up for the league match by starting drinking 12 hours before kick off. Soon enough Haigh was telling our landlord that if the aussies dared to beat us he would beat our landlord within an inch of his life using weapons then when he’d finished with him he’d destroy his house too, ranting “i work in demolishen i could completely destroy your house in less than an hour!”. Luckily for our landlord and indeed his house Haigh passed out shortly afterwards in a drunken stupor and missed the entire game.


  • Went to Australia zoo a while back in the hope of seeing the owner and australias finest export behind Dame Edna Everage and Prisoner Cell Block H – Steve Irwin. Sadly he wasn’t there and it was a waste of time.
  • Went to Dreamworld (Australias biggest theme park). Nearly soiled myself on a few occasions on some of the rides but thankfully my sphincter held out.
  • On the ladies front – Tarryn has been up from Melbourne to visit me again for a very good weekend. Haigh has cooled thing with his aussie bird cos apparently “she isn’t pressing the right buttons anymore” whatever that means? Wanger has traded in his nymph swede with her gammy eye for a kiwi he met on the production line. Fortunately she seems to be the exception to the rule as apparently she can write her own name and she has no personal hygiene problems – that i know of. And Stott has been attempting to romance an indian bird much to our amusement.

Anyway better get moving those hampers won’t pack themselves.

Gods Speed


PS Will all of you who will be arriving in Brisbane soon please let me know the dates of your arrivals so i can book you in for your first drinking lesson and so i know when i can tell my boss where to shove his job.

Gods Speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 29/10/04

G’day Punters

With my financial resources severly depleted it was time to bite the bullet and find some work. This came in the shape of packing frozen christamas hampers. You know the ones that peasants put aside about 17p a week for so that they can eat on Christmas day?

This has enabled me and Wanger work alongside the dregs of Brisbane soceity with some of the women (although its hard to tell in some cases) displaying more colourful language then Roy Chubby Brown. It also has the benefits of a 2:30 – 10:30 shift pattern guaranteeing us no social life, working in a freezer so we’re freezing our nuts off while it’s cracking the flags outside and meeting other generally interesting charachters. One of whom is convinced his wife is a practising witch says he frequents the local brothel, spent years in rehab cos of amphetamine addiction, has a 9 year old son and has invited us to catch the train 1hr away to his area so we can smoke weed in the park with him. His offer got turned down and it was agreed we should steer clear of him in the future.

Haigh and Stott have failed to get regular work but they are now the self proclaimed handymen of Brisbane. In a week the layed some turf, did some concreting, layed carpets, moved furniture, used a jack hammer and did some general fetching and carrying. For them the starts of been early, the heat of working in the sun intolerable and Stott’s moaning incessant.

On the women front i’m still in touch with the lass from melbourne, Haighs seeing an Aussie who’s Dad’s a brain surgeon and Wanger achieved every mans dream and seeing a Swedish bird. She has numerous strings to her bow 1) Shes Swedish, 2) Shes got a fit body 3) She’s good to get on with and 4) She’s hornier than a vikings hat rack. All good until you discover shes got a really dodgy eye. Haigh says its a good inch lower than the other and has a big scar underneath it and resembles the character of Sloth from Steven Spielbergs 80’s classic Goonies. Wanger has speculated that she got it in a car crash or an accident involving a bath of acid. Needless to say this has put Wanger off but as he not that shallow he has refused to get rid of her. He now just ensures that he’s blind drunk when he sees her when her dodgy mincer is the last thing on his mind.

Meanwhile on the health front it seems my diet of cigarettes and alcohol has back fired and left me with a fast developing beer gut and a lung capacity of a three year old girl. Drastic action was needed so i joined a gym with the rest of the lads. The results have been remarkable and i now command a body similar to Arnie during his Mr Universe prime.

Anyway got to get off and pump some serious iron and feel the burn!

Gods Speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 29/09/04

G’day Punters

Me and Wanger left Haigh and Stott with our van that is fast becoming the worst purchase in the history of van sales in Cairns (had it two weeks and its been in the garage twice running up huge repair bills), heading to Brisbane by air in search of jobs. When we arrived Wanger headed off in the search of a job leaving me to entertain a nice aussie girl who i met in Thailand who had flown up from melbourne to see me for the week.

We immediately found a place to stay as we moved in with Cashy’s mate Longy. We spend most days seeing how many cans of ale we can consume sitting on his decking. The record so far being 90. He has also introduced us to an aussie drinking game called 10 center. This basically involves bouncing a 10 cent coin off the table into a glass. After each success you can nominate someone to drink. The previous all time aussie record was 14 successfull shots on the trot. Thats until me and wanger rocked up. Wanger hit 19 on the bounce then i smashed 28 and set a record that is unlikely to be beaten in my lifetime. We have taken great satisfaction in beating the aussies at their own game as you can imagine.

Wanger had instant success in the job market and was soon employed by a timber yard. However things turned sour on the second day when he couldn’t get the hang of the use of the large rotary saw. Apparently the last thing you should do is let go of the wood when its being fed through the saw. Wanger couldn’t handle it though when he got a couple of splinters and let go of a large block of wood. This resulted in the wood being fired off the end of the conveyor belt at high speed and hitting the factory wall on the otherside of the road at full tilt. The boss seemed to let this go and ordered a shaken wanger back onto the machine. He lasted about another 2 mins before he did it again this time he narrowly missed the boss (if it had hit him wanger would be up on a murder charge). He was then approched by a large Irish foreman who informed wanger that if he killed him with the saw, he had a large family who would hunt him down to the ends of the earth and kill him! Needless to say wanger did not return for a third day.

We then headed up to Cashy’s penthouse apartment in Noosa for a weekend of debauchery. Good times were had by all. We took with us a couple of southern lasses who we had met one of whom (Carrie) who had fake breasts who seemed only too willing to get them out for fun after a couple of glasses of vino. This suited cash who seemed only too keen to grope them at any possible opportunity though. Things soon got out of hand as Carrie nearly reached unconciousness Cash got over excited and i had to tell him to calm down after a couple of incidents including Cash’s mouth and a couple of blocks of ice!G’day Punters

Me and Wanger left Haigh and Stott with our van that is fast becoming the worst purchase in the history of van sales in Cairns (had it two weeks and its been in the garage twice running up huge repair bills), heading to Brisbane by air in search of jobs. When we arrived Wanger headed off in the search of a job leaving me to entertain a nice aussie girl who i met in Thailand who had flown up from melbourne to see me for the week.

Wanger had instant success in the job market and was soon employed by a timber yard. However things turned sour on the second day when he couldn’t get the hang of the use of the large rotary saw. Apparently the last thing you should do is let go of the wood when its being fed through the saw. Wanger couldn’t handle it though when he got a couple of splinters and let go of a large block of wood. This resulted in the wood being fired off the end of the conveyor belt at high speed and hitting the factory wall on the otherside of the road at full tilt. The boss seemed to let this go and ordered a shaken wanger back onto the machine. He lasted about another 2 mins before he did it again this time he narrowly missed the boss (if it had hit him wanger would be up on a murder charge). He was then approched by a large Irish foreman who informed wanger that if he killed him with the saw, he had a large family who would hunt him down to the ends of the earth and kill him! Needless to say wanger did not return for a third day.

We then headed up to Cashy’s penthouse apartment in Noosa for a weekend of debauchery. Good times were had by all. We took with us a couple of southern lasses who we had met one of whom (Carrie) who had fake breasts who seemed only too willing to get them out for fun after a couple of glasses of vino. This suited cash who seemed only too keen to grope them at any possible opportunity though. Things soon got out of hand as Carrie nearly reached unconciousness Cash got over excited and i had to tell him to calm down after a couple of incidents including Cash’s mouth and a couple of blocks of ice!

Anyway till next time

God speed


PS I’ve applied for my dream job working in a sex shop, i should be able to get staff discount for those interested if i’m successful – watch this space!

Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 27/09/04

Hey People,

Here is a list of things I have so far managed to do since arriving in Brisbane three weeks ago:

(1) Pulled another fat ozzie bird and this time she is pestering me with phonecalls!

(2) Hold down a job in a timber yard for all of two days. Nearly killed the boss using this rotating saw and quit after two days because I was having nightmares about using the saw and any pending law suit should I kill an innocent bystander. I was also threatened by one of the staff saying that if I killed him his family would hunt me down and kill me!

(3) Had some unfortunate bowel problems after loads of ale!

(4) Caught a 75cm Mackrel while fishing off a boat….. It was definately a case of it or me!!

(5) Witnessed Chris Cash molesting an english girl with fake boobs who we had met. I’m surprised Kieron dyer didn’t appear and help him.

(6) Developed a fear of Daddy long legs….. They are a least as big as your hand out here!

(7) Driven an automatic car!!

(8) Started drinking rum!

(9) Nearly died from Drinking rum!

(10) Worked for cashys dad in the sweet warehouse where we were paid not only in dollars but also in gummy burgers. These then made me sick after spending the entire afternon chowing down!

I’m sure they’ll be plenty more as we are just about to get a job packing Christmas hampers! I’m sure it will be totally ace

Take care


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 24/09/04


Right then, know i’ve been a little slack recently so here’s a quick run through of whats happened since wanger and bolly left us in Cairns.

First thing we did was go down the lagoon where we were left aghast at the site of an old man bathing on his front with his trunks pulled down to tan his ass! What are you doing? This man had also defied physics by the fact he was still alive, i’m not sure if i’ve seen a wrinklier face or will ever do again.

After this we drove to mission beach in Australias number 1 worst camper van. We did a sky dive here, 10000 feet which was awsome before driving to townsville. Here we met Stuart Sutcliffe from Halifax and went out on the town with him and his girlfriend then went to Bowen in convoy to do some illegal camping on the beach front with 40+ bottles and a camp fire. Got totally steaming with Sutty almost falling into the fire, ha ha. Good good.

Then drove to Airlie Beach probably still pissed where we bode fairwell to Sutty and booked some tours to the whitsundays and frazer island. Got on this Yacht and stayed on board 2 nights getting absolutely steaming with some mad irish guys, one of which was referred to as ‘the general’, a banham lookalike, an even better Andy Coates lookalike, a cockney with a smart tattoo of a tasmanian devil holding a british flag and wearing some england shorts earning him the nickname between me and haigh of ‘Made in England’ and a guy from Hudds. On the second nite, the crew went nuts and had a toga party getting absolutely steaming. The morning began at 6am with the Irish drinkjing wine.

Then went to a small scenic place called 1770 where we missed the irish by a day, which was bad news cos they were good for a laugh! Me and haigh then learned to surf very badly, although we did stand and will no doubt be ace in a couple of weeks.

Now off to frazer island, will try get some new pics online soon!



Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 06/09/04


Just a quick message to say that today i got my nipple pierced! Let me tell you somebody shoving a thick niddle through your nipple and putting a bar through the resulting hole is not a total bed of roses! But after the initial pain subsided and it stopped bleeding after a half an hour i’m pretty pleased with the results. And for those questioning my sexuality after this procedure, as i’m sure that there will be quite a few, let me tell assure you that i’m still batting for the home team. Just got to wait 6 weeks for it to heal. I am now in the process of trying to pursuade wanger to get his nob pierced and we all know that he has got a high level of supidity and a low tolerance to peer pressure, so watch this space!

Off down to Brsbane with Wanger in a couple of days to meet up with Cashy. So a few days of ale drinking will be followed with 3 months hard graft as funds are running low so any donations will be greatfully accepted!

Gods Speed


PS I fully expect that this will start a new nipple piercing craze with Cheesy, Porky, Elliot, Beeny Seymour and possibly my Dad will no doubt have got theirs done by the time i arrive home – go on you know it makes sense!

Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 28/08/04

How Do?

After leaving Alice Springs and its 3 bars behind we decided headed for Cairns hoping for an upturn in fortunes. We weren’t disapointed its got the lot; more than 3 bars, baking sun and we are staying in a 5* hostel. Haigh has dubbed Cairns “Gods Country” and says that “if there’s a place on earth better than Cairns, i don’t want to know about it!”

The only problem with our Hostel is that we are staying in a 6 person dorm so you have to sleep in the same room as strangers. The other night a middle aged Japanese guy moved in. He introduced himself to haigh saying “Hi, Takeshi” Haigh looked at him blankly “Takeshi – T-A-k-E-S-H-I” was the reply. Haigh pondered this for a moment and responded with “no i’m English”. We could bearly contain ourselves while Haigh was annoyed cos he thought Takeshi thought he was Turkish! We soon though effectionately reffered to him as ‘the rice eater’. On his first night he seemed to be suffering from acute flatulance and let rip roughly every 10 mins in his sleep. The hilarity of this soon wore thin as we couldn’t sleep due to a combination of laughing, the noise and asfixiation. Haigh and Stott finally got to sleep at 6 am only for the rice eater to get up shortly afterwards. He proceeded to make as much noise as possible waking everyone up. Thankfully he checked out it was lucky for him because if he’d had stayed another night there was a good chance he was going to get thrown off the balcony.

The time also arrived for the long awaited purchase of the Party Bus or in this case a clapped out 1982 Toyota Hiace (i know its a classic). Its actually pretty good, cost about 1200 stirling and came with loads of extras such as cooker, a tent, cooking equipment, snorkelling gear, a body board and my personal favourite 2 fishing rods. Me and Wanger are hoping to catch a great white in the not too distant future. The only trouble is its a bit tempermentle and rarely starts at the first time of asking. Yet as with all classics such as Aston Martins, Rollers and indeed Toyota Hiace’s they are naturally temprementle and have to be treated like a lady! The second major problem is its gear stick is on the side of the steering column. Its proving difficult to master. The first time we took it out Haigh grabbed the keys off me claiming i was a terrible driver (i tell you write off one car and you get a bad reputation) and that he was chief driver. Haigh proceeded to start it up fail to get it in to the reverse gear for ages cos he couldn’t find it. Then when he did he couldn’t find the biting point in reverse at all and claimed that it wasn’t working! So being the terrible driver that i am i took the helm found reverse with ease and backed out like a seasoned Hiace driver. We have now all more or less masterd the gear stick bar chief driver Haigh who still can’t find third or reverse it thus limiting him to gears 1,2 and four.

We have found a place that makes stickers and we are pondering what to have made to personalise the old girl. It already has an ‘i love fishing sticker’ one that says ‘this vans constipated it rarely passes anything and one that says simply – ‘the beast’. We are toying with “the party Bus!’, ‘blood sweat and beers’ and many others that aren’t suitable for a family mail. (if you aren’t easily offended mail me and ask me for the full listand help us decide. Mum and Dad you need not reply)

Right i’m bored so i’m off to get my nipple pierced (no seriously i am). Then off to mock chief driver relentlessly. Gods speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 25/08/04
How Do

After leaving Perth behind we headed for Alice Springs with the hope of seeing Ayres Rock. Instead though it was decided that it was too expensive and too far to travel to (17 hours there and back). We’d heard pretty poor reports about it. Even the guy selling the tours said that young lads like us would be bored stiff and would be better off in the bar. So thats what we did – for 6 days! There was nothing to do at all in Alice Springs and it now holds the title of the worst place on earth, nudging Simgapore off the top spot. What the hell were we thinking when we booked to go to a place with only 3 bars in the entire town! The only thing we did do was develop an instant dislike for aborigines, led by Haigh here are some Alice Springs quotes

1, Haigh got some funny looks when the plane landed he stood up and said at maximum volume “right boys last one off gets eaten by an abo!”

2, Haigh when looking at a group of abo’s, or scabo’s as he effectionately calls them, sitting on the grass – “look at those scabo’s doing what they do best” Me – “what?” Haigh – “knack all!”

3, Me – “I wish abo women would shave their legs its making me ill”

4, Wanger – Where do abo’s live? caves?

There are a choice few but there are too many to list. Only stott didn’t share our view of the aborigines claimimg that he was at one with the indigenous people and he believed that he may have some abo blood in him somewhere.

I also took the opportunity to buy an aussie rules football shirt while i was there. Obviously not having a clue about the game and the teams involved i just bought the shirt that looked the best, in this case the Kangaroos home jersey. This may have proved to be a poor decision as every time i wear it passing motorists lean out of the window and hurl abuse at me for being a roo, its becoming embarassing.

So we left Alice Springs after 6 long tedious days with the women who ran the hostel claiming that in all her years working in Alice Springs she has never met anyone who has visited and not been to the rock. We’d seen it from the air, that was enogh for us and a much sounder investment pumping the money we saved over the bar.

So its was then on to Cairns and hoping for an improvement in our choice of destination. We have been here a few days now and we can safely say it has with many humourous tales to be told, but that will have to wait till next time!

Gods speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 10/08/04

So after leaving the hell on earth that was Singapore we arrived in the British open prison that is Australia just over a week ago, with our first destination being Perth. Now Perth is an absolutely awesome city in the summer, packed to the rafters with backpackers, there’s a party every night and the beaches are fantastic. The only problem is that its now winter here and there are zero backpackers, minimal parties and its too cold to venture on to the beaches. This has left us with virtually nothing to do to fill our days. We even have a swimming pool that we can’t use cos of the of the cold weather. So our first week passed off rather un-eventifully, with the only incident of note was when wanger woke up next to an aussie lass after a drunken night of romancing. Rumours are unconfirmed but they suggest that her name was Shelia and she weighed just a shade under a metric tonne.

So last night arrived and with nothing to do again Haigh suggested that we head down to the pool side around 6ish and polish off our last litre of duty free vodka. It was duely finished off in a shade under half an hour. So we headed down to the off liscence for another 1.125 litre bottle. From here on in things went decidedly downhill. Within the hour Stott and Haigh were debating Bush’s foreign policy and to what degree will our technology develop in the next 100 years. It soon became apparent that these intellectual heavey weights didn’t have a clue what they were talking about and things started to get a little heated. This culminated in Haigh telling to stott to either shut up or face the prospect of being pulled over the table and having his head ripped off. It appears that the art of debating is alive and well.

The intellectuals agreed to differ and with the second litre of vodka gone we headed to the bar. Within the hour we were all absolutely goosed. This was proved when after haigh went up to order his second ale. He was seen swaying on the bar like he was on the deck of a ship in a storm before his legs gave way and just collapsed in front of the bar man. The bar man came round to explain to wanger that Haigh had had enough and wasn’t going to get served again. “Fine” wanger said “no problem” as he simultaneously collapsed backwards off his bar stool into a drunken heap.

We decided to make a strategic retreat to the pool side. Haigh soon dissapeared and it was thought that he’d made the wise decision to go to bed. Sadly no as he appeared 5 mins later in his swimming shorts before making a ten yard run up to perform one of the greatest belly flops this centuary into the sub zero pool. He was closely followed by the fully clothed stott and wanger. I thought to myself i want a piece of this action but i’m not drenching my clothes so i striped to my boxers. The only problem was in my drunken state i forgot i was going commando and i pulled down my pants much to the delight of the onlooking bar. In for a penny in for a pound i thought and dived in to the pool as naked as the day i was born. This caused the bar man to reprimand us again suggesting that as there are a couple of families staying that we should maybe call it a night at the ridiculous hour of 9pm. So after three hours of revelry we returned to our room where stott was already in bed with the only key in an alcoholic coma. Haigh started to bang on the door and started shouting and swearing to try and get stott up. It didn’t get stott up but it did get the girl staying next door upand she appeared looking rather annoyed she tried to tell Haigh off, his efforts of diplomacy were poor to say the least and the lass had to return to her room with her tail between her legs after Haigh told her to get F****d. Finally Stott opened the door and our night was over.

So the moral of the story is – have half a litre of vodka in under an hour and thing are bound to go pear shaped.

Gods speed


Haigh & Wanger – 03/08/04
Alright People

            Got absolutely pissed out of my head last night with Haigh and Bolton last night and woke up in some random house in Perth miles away from where we were staying. Needless to say I had pulled some fat aussie bird and gone back to her house. However after drinking copius amount of alcohol my penis was as limp as Heather Mills without her leg on and I let the country down and did nothing to to enhance my sexual prowess!!

Been in bed all day today because it took me 1 and a half hours to walk back from that birds house. she offered me a lift but there was no chance I was letting her see where I was staying so I woke up made an excuse that I had to go to work and hot footed it out of there faster than chop trying to get to retro!

In hindsight I am gald that my manhood let me down as this was one girl that I didn’t really want to list as one of my conquests!!

Any way I’m off to find a shop that sells viagra!!

The Wangman

Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 29/07/04
Morning campers!

Just arrived in Singapore after an uneventful couple of weeks in Malaysia. Uneventful cos beer was thin on the ground cos its a muslim country and the ale that was there was pretty steep, and as you all know my best anecdotes tend to be linked in some way to beer. There were only two tales of note that happened in Malaysia:

1, I went scuba diving on a ship wreck which proved to be well above my skill level and i just spent an hour banging in to the rust bucket. This resulted in me returning from the deep with cuts to my hands, toes and legs which all proceeded to go septic. I now cant clench my fists and walk like a retard.

2, I met a guy who went home leathered and fell asleep with a candle at the end of his bed. He awoke to find his bed and two walls of his chalet on fire. In his drunken confused state he vaguely recalled John Leslie telling him his Blue Peter days, before he came a depraved sex and drug addict, to throw damp cloth on fires to put them out. So he proceeded to throw his clothes on the blaze. Unfortunetly he neglected to wet them too so they just fuelled the inferno. He is now travelling the world with 3 t-shirts and a pair of shorts.

We arrived a couple of days ago in Singapore for the long awaited arrival of Wanger and Haigh. They arrived early Weds looking dazed an confused. Me and Stott hid behind a pillar on their arrival to enjoy the look of terror when they thought know one was there to hold their hands. But our laughter soon gave us away. We immediately ventured out for a day of sight seeing with the only problem is there is nothing to see. We have all come to the quick realisation that Singapore is terrible. Its ridiculously expensive, all the locals are depressed (i would be too with these prices) and their customer service makes the Britain’s look good. Plus its a totally nanny state you can’t litter, chew chewing gum, jay walk and countless other pointless misdemeanours that we do everyday. I’m terrified of throwing a cig but on the floor incase a fed jumps out from a man hole and busts me and fines me my entire travelling budget. So the highlight of the sightseeing tour was definetly seeing Raffles landing sight. For the uneducated amoungst you (nearly all of you) this is the place where the British guy who founded Sinapore first stepped foot on Singapourean soil. It is marked by a statue of him gaurded by two lions. We weren’t impressed by standing by such an important part of Singapores history but we were impressed by wanger who was pretending to pump one of the lions while slapping its rump.

So with our sighseeing exhausted we hit the town. The lowlight was paying 4 quid 50 for the first pint. Things then picked up we found an all you can drink bar. Three of us paid $20 for a spirits ticket and Wanger paid $25 for a beer ticket. It became apparent when i looked around after 15 JD and cokes that wanger had the best end of the deal. We were all virtually sober while wanger was nearly unconcious, the JD was watered down to say the least. Our other highlight was telling a local lass how poor the place was she lived our main arguing point was that it was poor because there was no way you can take a leak in the street and get away with it. She now thinks Britain is a nation of savages – our work is done!

We are off to Hooters tonight, romour had it that its full of jarred up US navy men throwing there money around. I’m sure we’ll be able to get a few brewskis out of them especially as wanger will be there with his ‘diamond’ earing, looking like a mincer – they’ll love him!

Gods Speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 24/07/04


As Axl Rose once said ‘Welcome to the Jungle’….well, welcome, hello and goodbye. Was a good experience, however, i have learned 2 things

1) For a better chance to see something more exotic than a lizard, snake or monkey or to find baloo, tigger or mowgli, do at least a 3 day trek further into the jungle 2) Dont room with an American girl who loves America way too much!

Was all good on the first day, after 3 hr boat ride up the jungle river, i arrived and went off into the jungle to have a look around. On the second day we decided to go on the canopy walk, a walkway suspended 40 metres above the floor. You had to wait about an hour for this so naturally the conversation picked up and soon we were talking about our families. I said i had a brother and a sister and that i lived at home with my brother.

‘So you two have your own place?’ ‘No, live at home with my mum’

Christ, you’d have thought i’d have committed some heinous crime by the look sprawled across her face!

‘Living at home at 22, you need to be more independent, buy your own house, all American guys want to leave home at 18, by 12 i had to clean the dishes, cook my meals, clean my room and my bathroom’ Independent? I’m travelling alone at the minute arent i? Your own bathroom at 12? My heart bleeds!!

I tried explaining the cost of a house in old Halifax but she was adament that you should be buying your own home by now, even if you have just finished uni. Then she asks how old my brother is. 27. Jesus, she launches into another rant about Americans and their independent ways. At this point i look to the heavens with clenched fists and say

‘Well God Bless America!’

She wasn’t too happy with this statement so i thought it best to keep The Chop and his living at home ways to myself!

The canopy walkway was good with some amazing views across the jungle. In front of us tho, an Asian guy thought it would be a good idea to take his little girl of no more than 2 years of age up on the 40 metre rocking walkway. Naturally the kid was wailing more than bob marleys back up singers, afterall, all she can see is 40 metres straight down, on a canopy held only by her dads 1 arm and rocking all over the place, i’d be bl**dy crying too! However, this also put paid to any chances of seeing any wildlife within a least a 2 mile radius, therefore the American was not happy.

‘That wouldnt happen if it was my kid, i was never like that at that age’

‘You’ve got a good memory!’ ‘my mum told me i wasnt’

The perfect kid with the perfect family ey!

She then proceeds to tell m if it was in America, someone would have said something to the guy….seems just about right, Americans sticking their nose in where its not wanted!!

She also claimed that the rainforest was in the wrong part of the world cos she couldnt wear a sleeveless top because of the muslim culture, i expect she thinks it should be uprooted and transported over to the US.

Anyway, managed to leave her behind when she went tubing and i decided to go to the Orangi Asli tribe in the jungle where you saw how they lived, made fire and killed animals with their blowpipes. As well as having a go on the blowpipes, i also managed to secure one for the princely sum of 25 ringet – almost 4 quid – complete with arrows and quiver. Now my dilemma is how the hell i’m gonna get the thing thru customs, first into singapore then into oz, plus it only just fits into my bag…ah well will see how it goes. Unfortunately, the tribe elder refused to give me any poison arrows to use on the american!!

After getting back from the tribe, the American informed me that her poor mood was actually down to the fact that she’d stopped drinking coca cola…..for Gods sake, get back on it girl!!

Right then i’m off to practice my blowpipe, unfortunately, the american has left and cant be used as target practice.



Kings of the jungle! Stott shoots stuff Bolly and Jonny Foreigner

Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 15/07/04

How do cockatoo

Me and Jimmy left Koh Tao about ten days ago leaving Stott shacked up with his Malaysian woman Martha. (Thanks must go to Porky for pointing out my spelling error as i was spelling her name Marthur and not Martha. For those of you will be interested Porky will be in Countdowns dictionary corner alongside Vorderman and Whitely all next week). So me and Jimmy headed off to Phuket by ourselves. We only ended up staying one night as it was full of western families, prostitutes, lady boys and middle aged perverts with young thai lasses. Just had time to take in a sex show, which was more disturbing than entertaining before we headed down to Koh Phi Phi.

Arrived in Phi Phi about 6 days ago, its an absolutely stunning island and i’m not surprised that Hollywood chose here to film the Beach. On our first day we went cliff jumping which entails throwing yourself off a cliff into the sea at jumps ranging from 7 to 18 metres. I’m not the best with heights especially when i’ve got to throw myself off them so when i looked off the 10m height i nearly filled my pants. But a 7 year old French lad had just gone off before me so i wasn’t about to turn back. So i took a leap of faith. I wish i hadn’t cos i landed badly and knackered my wrist and nearly soiled myself. That was the end of my relationship with cliff jumping, especially as i’d heard a story going round the island that a lad gone off at 18m hit the water backside first and had to go to the hospital to get his sphincter stitched back up – i was safer in the boat. Meanwhile Jimmy was up at 10m and was so scared he was holding the tour guides hand. There was no way he was jumping off. That is until i launched a barage of gay slurs against him from the boat, to save further embarrasment from the 30 other jumpers he had no choice but to go for it.

Stott arrived a couple of days later telling of a emotional farewell with Martha and her mobile number so he could ring her to let her know that he was safe. He rang within 48 hours, bearing in mind he hasn’t phoned his mum i weeks you can tell how much he likes her. We soon got talking about the Marvellous Martha and Jimmy asked hypothetically what he would do if he got Martha pregnant. We were shocked and amused by his response. He said that the benefits would be that he could move to Malaysia and live like a king plus he could get a malaysian passport – not sure why he wants one of those. He then told us of his master plan to open up Malaysia’s first fish and chip shop to support his young family. His only apparent problem with getting a malaysian pregnant that he’s known bearly 2 weeks was, ‘is there an adequate local substitute for haddock’. He’s starting to worry me.

Today we went to see the actual beach where the film was made today followed by some snorkelling where i played with Nemo (a clown fish) from the film Finding Nemo. Off to Martha’s homeland tomorrow, i can see a tearful reunion in the pipeline!

Gods Speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 13/07/04

In phi phi now where they filmed the beach its fantastic. Get steaming every night but the ale is taking its toll on the travelling fund so to cut costs me stott and a lad who went to QUEGS are sharing a double bed. Stott put his arm round the other lad in his sleep last night which was quite amusing, i think we are known as the guest house gays. We are also on our last warning with the guest house owner cos last night i fell into an unconscious stupor and i had locked the door so stott couldn’t get in after half an hour of shouting banging and swearing he still couldn’t wake me from my slumber so a guy came out from across the hall who went nuts and then booted the door off its hinges. I still didn’t wake up and stott has nick named our neighbour steven seagal after the action hollywood legend.

Only a quick one today, will give you a full run down of whats happening in due course prob from malaysia off there in a few days. Would like to extend our stay here but we fear that haigh and wanger would last approx 30 secs without us to hold their hands and wipe their backsides.


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 08/07/04

How do cockatoo!

After just surviving the full moon party we dragged our sorry behinds to Koh Tao with the aim of doing a 4 day scuba diving course to get fully qualified in the art of scuba. We were initially concerned about having to do homework and the dive centres no drink policy. We got round these probs by not doing the homework and getting leathered every night instead. I have found myself on two mornings waking up on the porch for no apparent reason – beer Chang has a lot to answer for!

8:30pm last night arrived and it was the eve of our final dives and written test. We settled down to do four nights homework in one night – in true Bolton and Stott style, while leaving our room mate Jimmy to go out by himself. Jimmy returned half an hour later looking rather amused with himself. Martha was here and she was looking for Alex! Better still her Irish boyfriend Peter or as Stott prefers to call him PPP (Peter Piper Prick) was nowhere to be seen. As you may remember Marther is Stotts dream Malaysian woman who he became infactuated with in our last guesthouse. He has since been heard saying “aah martha you came into my life and brightened it briefly and then destroyed it!” Well now she was back and with no boyfriend in tow, he was out of the front door before i could blink leaving me with all the homework to do so he could copy it before class in the morning. I dutifully finished the homework and headed out for a celebration beer at 11. The problem was a Canadian we know was plying me with whiskey cocktails that come in big buckets. After pulling an absolute beautey i must have decided to return home to prevent embarrassment and ruin any future chances, plus i was due up at 7 to go 18m under water. I can bearly remember running home to make the toilet. I then tripped and failed to use my hands to break my fall instead using my face. I stopped to have a sit down and gather my composure and inspect my face which was grazed prety badly all down one side. I then must have fallen asleep cos i woke up at 6:20 where i fell feeling like death. I just had time to walk home and get changed before the dive master knocked on the door to see where we were. I was there and i don’t think he was impressed with the figure standing before him with cuts all over my face and stinking like a brewery. At least i was there stott missed the boat after getting lucky with the marvellous marthur. I then proceeded to pass my diving test still absolutely goosed under ten metres of water. When we got back stott told me that he wasn’t coming to phuket as planned and staying with marthur in koh tao for a few days (the mans in love). I’m off now to try and sort my face out and see if my new dream woman likes the grazed look. I’m then off to phuket with jimmy but no stotty. He says he’ll be a few days but i wouldn’t be surprised if he turned up with her engaged. I’ll be organising the stag do so if anyone fancies a weekend bender in Kuala Lumpur let me know.

Gods speed


Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 02/07/04


We arrived in Koh-phagnan about a week ago in preparation for the long awaited full moon party. We checked into a guest house which was already packed to the rafters, we decided to get into training for the full moon by becoming nocturnal. We spent every night up drinking till dawn and sleeping all day. We only ventured to the beach once in the run up to the party to go snorkelling with some canadian lads. It soon became apparent that we were spending too much time with them as we started calling people ‘bro’, ‘man’ and ‘dude’ – it didn’t really sound the same with a broad yorkshire accent. When Stott wasn’t with the Canadian lads he was trying to pull a Malaysian lass who is staying here with her Irish boyfriend. The fact that she had a boyfriend didn’t deter him and the Irish guy soon became his arch nemesis.

The full moon party finally arrived last night – it was a belter! There was between 8 and 10,000 people there going nuts on the beach. I arrived with about 25 people from our guesthouse and lost everyone in approx 30 seconds. Still had a great time though as trawled the beach talking rubbish to anyone who’d listen. By dawn there was absolute carnage on the beach about half of the party goers had collapsed in drunken heaps and were being trampled on by the rest who were still dancing like idiots – me included. As the sun came up boats started to arrive to take some revellers to neighbouring islands the beach now resembled dunkirk landings with thousands of ‘dead bodies’ on the beach. Daylight though did enable me to find Stott. It turned out that it had come to the point where he’d had to be warned off the Malaysian by the Irish guy’s best mate – he now had two arch nemesis’s. He settled for instead a 19 year old thai lass who works in our guesthouse who is in some serious need of some dental work. Her teeth are all over the shop and when she smiles her gums occasionally bleed! I returned home around half 7 leaving stott there with jaws.

I got a few hours kip woke up feeling like the living dead. I went for a dip in the sea for a lad from doncaster to try and waken up and to exchange stories from the previous night of debauchery. He then let rip in the sea and bubbles were soon followed by a thin brown water – he’d clearly had too much ale the night before and his bowels were struggling. I had to sprint to the beach to saftey – what a wonderful end to the night!

Anyway going to lie down in a dimly lit room and contemplate suicide i feel so bad.


PS you may be wondering why my email isn’t of its usual length? This is a family mail and most stories aren’t suitable for the easily offended.

Bolly & Stott’s World tour: 24/06/04

Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen and Seymour

We are finally back in Bangkok after our mini tour round SE asia. We have nearly been away for two months, and in all that time i have managed to stay off the ale for just three days. Two of those were enforced due to our cash flow problems in Laos and the other was because i was glued to the toilet and unable to make it out of the room let alone to the nearest ale house. This has caused me two major concerns: 1, my liver is crying out for help and 2, it is becoming a drain on my financial resources. Thankfully i have come up with the answer to these two problems: 1, i am not in the slightest bit listening to my liver and 2, I have found a cheap and easy way to get my daily dose of alcohol. We now just make a quick trip to the 7/11 and purchase a bottle of Thailands finest Whiskey – Sam Sung. It is 80% proof, 2 quid a litre and it makes a useful substitute for paint stripper. But mix it with a bit of coke and roberts yer mothers brother you’re on your way.

So we headed out last night with a belly full of Sam Sung and soon enough we were in Gullivers, you may remember that this is a favourite backpacker haunt and for some reason when Stott walks through the door he is transformed into the Brad Pitt of Thailand. The Thai women love him. In a short time he had pulled a belter