Tabloid News

Last updated:

Thursday 02 November, 2023

Tabloid News

Interview with a Cobra

The fresh face of Crocs for the 05/06 Damian Seeto has quickley established himself as the embodiment of Crocs’ free flowing, fast paced, champagne rugby. As well as this the “Emporer Penguin” has become a style icon famed for his brazen appearences in his signature Red Shirt.

The Hoff (and Otty) meet Bacon

Disgraced Blue Peter presenter Richard Bacon has a night to remember with Hoff and Otty down in the smoke!!

Where are they now?

The Gordon Ross Interview aka “Interview with a cobra” mentioned his debut against Leeds on 5/9/92, (click on the picture for the team of that day); after some investigative reporting by “The Cobra” we can now reveal the current wherabouts of the “Pigs of ’92”

Interview with a Cobra

The 3rd installment in this series sees our roving reporter catch up with Gordon “Braveheart” Ross.

Rossy made his debut against Leeds 4th on 05/09/92 playing for the famed “pigs” ; he scored his first tries (2) for the club against West Park Bramhope on 10/10/92 – not known for his try scoring feats 2 seems a good return, but they were in plentiful supply that day – Hanson Haigh scored 4!

Another interesting and little known fact about Rossy is that he is good freinds with ex Scotland Hooker Kenny Milne – but like Uncle Albert from “Only Fools and Horses” – he doesn’t like to talk about it!

Click on the wee jock for the full interview.

Another one bites the dust!

Heads turned this week, and no doubt a few stomachs as well, as Richard ‘The Real Deal’ Wheale confirmed he’s off the market.

The lovely Claire agreed to become a Wheale during a recent weekend trip to Rome. Richard’s strategy of plying her with as much Chianti as possible clearly paid off.

Like all of history’s successful tyrants, he stalked his pray until he could smell weakness, vulnerability, and a small trace of fear. Seizing the moment, he nervously popped the question, cleverly waiting until she was lashed, and the rest was just cream cheese.

The Binns family are reportedly seeking legal advice.

Congratulations from everyone at the club to the happy couple.

Friend to the Stars

Both of Old Crossleyans most infamous playboys John “Porky” Helliwell and Ian “Hasselhoff” Greenhough are snapped by paparazzi on a night out in Blackpool with close friend Goldie.

Interview with a Cobra

The second subject in this series finds our roving reporter catching up with Phil “Les Vegas” Hollingworth

Never short on an opinion on any subject “Les” is rumoured to be on the shortlist for Kofi Annan’s job when he eventually retires

Click on the fat face and read Olly giving it to you straight!

Interview with a Cobra

We are pleased to add a new page to the web site called “Interview with a Cobra”, a short Q & A type article to find the facts behind the rugby player.

This week we interview Dave “the bridesmaid” Short about his views on Cobra Rugby and life in general.

Click on the fluffy peroxide blondes face to launch the full article!

The Old Crossleyans 70’s Night! are delighted to announce The Old Crocs 70’s Night has been resurrected!

Saturday 20 November Glitter and Twisted will once again be taking to the specially erected stage and playing ‘The Crocs’

The Gig kicks off @ 8 and ticktes are a reasonably priced £5 and can be purchased from Hoff, Seymour and Hugh

Fancy dress is reccomended, and so is bringing along all your friends!!

The bands front man Steve Glitter screamed “Crocs is like a second home to Glitter and Twisted, they gave us our first break.

We know we owe them, so I guarantee the band will put on the greatest show you will have ever seen in your life!”

Phil says “Get in the Buster Club you losers!”

The organisers of the the Crocs ‘Buster’ have enlisted the help of 80’s crooner Phil Collins to raise the profile of the scheme.

A Spokesman for the club said ‘Phil was delighted to help and has always been a keen supporter of Crossleyan rugby.’

Collins, famous for his easy listening, inoffensive, and some may say, bland style of music played the title role of Buster Edwards in the 1988 classic in which he stole a train load of cash, but ultimately, stole our hearts as well.

“I’ve got a groovy kind of love for The Crocs and The Buster draw is no exception. Nothing compares to it. Sometimes you feel you’re against all odds of winning, and then others you can just feel it in the air tonight. “

When asked why more players hadn’t joined the buster Phil couldn’t understand it. “Honestly, I’m in the land of confusion over this one, I can’t work it out”

“Stone the Crows, when some geezer told me that less than 25% of the current players are involved you could ‘ave knocked me over with a feather. Cor blimey, get a form off the Guvnor you muppets sharpish!

Aging Phil still gets asked about the last time he had ‘one more night’ at the Crocs. He was lured into Maine St. on the promise of an easy lover, and that that no jacket was required. A few Aftershocks later and he was in the land of confusion. Sex Pest Phil then staggered on to the dance floor trying to demonstrate his invisible touch on women more than half his age. His excuse of “I can’t dance” didn’t wash, and was soon ejected.

The Warsaw Pact

Congratulations to Mr & Mrs Benjamin George Ralph, from all at The

Crocs. As they sit on a beach somewhere basking in the sun, we too can bask in their holy matrimony.

An excellent day and night was had by all, and Ben and Jules were overjoyed to see so many from the club there.

Derby County were also represented at the evenings proceedings by their manager George Burley. The sociable Scot was one of the last to leave, and a source close to the club confirmed he’d “had the time of his life”.

Big Bother

Ill informed members at Crocs were worried that one of their star new recruits was actually Nadia the Portu-geezer.

The rumour began circling Calderdale and Kirklees, faster than Lisa Riley in a chocolate race, that star full back Fabulous Phil was the winner of the hit channel 4 show. Fortunately the confusion lasted only a couple of seconds before they realised that it was actually Nadia who was ‘Fabulous’ and was definately the deserving winner.

Ill informed members at Crocs were worried that one of their star new recruits was actually Nadia the Portu-geezer.

The rumour began circling Calderdale and Kirklees, faster than Lisa Riley in a chocolate race, that star full back Fabulous Phil was the winner of the hit channel 4 show. Fortunately the confusion lasted only a couple of seconds before they realised that it was actually Nadia who was ‘Fabulous’ and was definately the deserving winner.

The Hottest Day of the Year

Yes that’s right folks TV minor celebrity and housewives favourite Paul Hudson has guaranteed August 28th

to be the hottest day of the new millenium!

Luckily for you Old Crocs will be serving up a tasty recipe of champagne rugby and prime British beef with a sprinkling laughter. We will be barbequing throughout the day, with the main event roasting a Hog pitchside so you don’t miss a minute of the War with Wibsey! See the social page for further details…

Richie Jowett Missing In Action?
Has Jow gone MIA?

The Crossleyans very own bungling inspector clueless has not been seen for weeks. Many are starting to get worried as ‘dirty’ bribe pay-offs remain uncollected, and false arrests are on the decrease. Has his mobile changed or is he just being PIG-ignorant?

Pre-season Party
Yes a big pre-season party is planned for Wednesday night (7th July).

Its the sort of party where you all bring a brush turn up at the club for 18.30 and then paint the second team changing rooms. Of all the various types of bashes you can attend this ranks in most people’s top 17, yes its going to be ‘the tits’.

Cricketers hoping to Cash in!
Our Crossleyan cricketing siblings take on the low-breeds from Sowerby Bridge in The Parish Cup quarter final at Broomfield on Sunday. This is a massive game for the Crocs and Sowerby Bridge would be a big scalp indeed, due to their opponents first division status (as opposed to their cranial deformities). A turbo charged, alcohol fuelled atmosphere is to be expected as the Crocs ‘ever- growing’ army of fans get a chance to experience ‘big-time’ cup cricket.

The Crocs are leaving nothing to chance and are hoping to have all their big guns blazing. Perhaps the most potent weapon in their arsenal will be Anjam Hussain who, if there was one, would be worth the admission fee alone. Also, ‘Aussie wildman’, Chris ‘The Chameleon’ Cash has answered the club’s S.O.S call to make the game. When asked about the Crossleyans he said

‘Mate, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for these blokes, they’re like family to me. When I heard about the game I was dead-set stoked, fair dinkum!’ When asked about ‘The Phantom’s’ weight problem he replied ‘Its not an issue anymore. I’ve been off the cheese now for six months, I’m clean. Plus, by taking off the mullet I’ve lost another 6 pounds easy.’

The game is on Sunday June 27th with wickets being pitched at 2pm. A big crowd is expected on Sydney Hill so get there early to avoid disappointment. Local booze-hound Gareth Ott is providing the Becks and the swollen nipples, and no doubt TC will be spit-roasting as usual.

A source close to the club said ‘We want to make Broomfield a cricketing fortress so as much noise and hostility as you can muster please!’

Flash the Cash

Halifax is rife with rumours surrounding Chris ‘The Chameleon’ Cash’s imminent return to British soil. These rumours have yet to be confirmed but reports suggest he will be in Fax by Friday 25th June subject to Her Majesties Customs Officers. Tescos have been alerted and have ordered extra security at each of their cheese counters throughout the West Yorkshire region. Mr Meena is also interested in the Aussie’s whereabouts and has told staff to be vigilant throughout the coming weeks.

The ‘likeable’ Australian has to sort a few things out at Scotland Yard before heading North to resume his love a affair with all things Crossleyan.